Monday, July 30, 2012

What's In A Name?

In ancient times a name carried a great deal of weight.  In many cultures your name could indicate where you were from, what you did for a living, and who your parents and grandparents were.  A name was much more than just a name. 

Women have no problem changing their last name when they marry.  In fact I've changed my last name three times (marriage, divorce, and marriage).  Each time I've had no problem making the mental shift to the new name.  My dear spouse Himself says that he can't imagine having to do that!  Perhaps women have culturally gotten use to change.  We see our body change, our families, names, our hair color, not to mention changing our minds!

I've been seriously thinking about names the past few years.  I've finally accepted and admitted the fact that I do and always have absolutely hated my first name.  I've felt this way even as a very small child.  I have one of those old fashioned, relatively uncommon names and I feel it does not fit me nor my personality.  I have always had a difficult time calling myself by my name when engaging in mental conversations with myself.  I usually call myself "you" or "lady" or some unmentionable when I'm in a bad mood.

My parents named me after my Grandfather.  His initials spell out the first three letters of my name.  I never knew my Grandfather and both of my parents are deceased.  If I change my name or just use my middle name would this dishonor my Grandfather and parents?  How would all my family and friends feel if I suddenly declared that I am no longer "_____" but am now "_____"!  How will my dear husband Himself react?

Am I being selfish in wanting a name that feels more like me? 

I met a woman once, she was a tall, stately, distinguished and handsome woman (at the time I knew her) in her late 40's.  Her last name was Lamb and her parents had, thinking it was cute, named their little bundle of joy "Tiny".  So here was this beautiful strong woman named Tiny Lamb.  She hated her name....but felt it would be an insult to her parents, who were deceased, to change her name.  She told me her life had been hell, she was miserable, and had in fact never married because of her name and the reactions men usually had to it (laughing).   I cringe sometimes hearing what people name their babies, knowing that this name has to not only suit them as a child, but long into adulthood and old age.

My name made my childhood miserable due to teasing and confusion on the part of my teachers (was my name really that or just a nick name?).  I could live with my name, it's not terrible, but do I want to?  That is the question!  Perhaps this is another step down the path of Crone-hood.  Perhaps this is another decision I have to make to become the woman I really am and not the woman others want me to be.

I do know that I have some more serious thinking to do. 

Le Petite Crone says:  I'm not sure what I'm going to do........

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Letting Go

My mini-minion Rupert is not doing well.   Rupert is my nine year old, blind, one eyed English Bull Terrier.  He has arthritis and a bad heart.  Lately he's been having high fevers for a day or two then they go away.  He has little to no energy.  His only joy in life seems to be eating and cuddling with me.

I don't think he's in any pain, but then I could be wrong.  Rupert is such a stoic little guy.  With all that has happened to him, all the illness and all the surgeries he's remained a sweet gentle little soul who never seems to get upset.  He'll occasionally give a world weary resigned sigh when it's time for his medication but he's never gotten angry.  I am in awe of his continued good nature.  I know I would be a raving monster if I had to go through all that he's gone through.

My mini-minion before Rupert was a Scottish Terrier named Angus.  Angus also had medical problems.  He had a malformed leg and developed liver cancer.  I found myself pondering what kind of dog I wanted to have after Angus a few months prior to the discovery of his cancer.  It wasn't a conscious decision on my part, I just started to do it.  I realize that I'm doing the same thing now with Rupert.  I've started to ponder what kind of dog I want after Rupert.

I am bothered by this.  I almost feel as if I'm being disloyal to such a wonderful companion in contemplating his absence.  A dear friend told me that she goes through the same process when she knows one of her dogs is near the end of this life.  It's a part of letting go.  Well, I don't like it......

Once you let a dog into your life you know you will go through the heartbreak of saying goodbye.  I can't however contemplate not having a life without a dog.  So there is the crux of the problem.

I hope Rupert will be around for a while longer.  I'm enjoying all the cuddles I can and he's enjoying more treats than he normally should have.   I'll contemplate what kind of dog I'll let into my heart next knowing that at some point in the future I'll suffer the same grief I'm dreading now.

Le Petite Crone says:  No heart is complete without paw prints!